


The Turmoil of a Soul

by MissConstance



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A little bit of Angts, After Mount Weather, Betrayal, F/F, Guilt, Love, Return to Polis, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6701200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissConstance/pseuds/MissConstance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The return of Lexa to Polis after her betrayal. It is set in her mind.<br/>Lexa feels guilty but it is the right choice for her people. However, not necessarily the best.<br/>Some Clexa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Turmoil of a Soul

**Author's Note:**

> You can find this fanfic on tumblr on my blog @flyingofftoneverlandforgood  
> It was an ask from @poniosky on tumblr
> 
> Enjoy! :)

After Lexa ordered to sound the horn, the Grounders’ army started to retreat. First, the people who were waiting by the Mountain door, then those hidden in the wood, and finally the team who was in the tunnels.  
Lexa was the last one to leave. She stood there, hidden in the forest. She was looking at Clarke, the last one of her people, waiting for a miracle to happen. She couldn’t help but stare at the girl who sacrificed everything to end this war, to bring home her people. And now, while she, Heda, had finally got her people back, she couldn’t do anything for her, no matter how it made her heart sink. She needed to bring her own people back home, back to safety. She owed that to them.  
So, the heart heavy, Lexa ordered her army to go home, to go back to Polis. And with a last look at the girl who made her believe in love again, she left.

\---

During the walk back to Polis, Lexa was left alone with her thoughts. The grounders, who were prisoners in the Mountain, were now taking care of. The warriors were following close to her, assuring her safety in the woods. The others were following at the back of line.  
People were whispering around her. Probably about her.  
But Lexa was listening. She was only thinking of her certain blonde who was, maybe, still waiting in front of the impenetrable door. She was thinking about her people, still trapped in this horrible Mountain were death was their only fate. She was thinking of how she must have appeared in front of the Sky People: a Commander who was ready to betray her new-found ally in a deal with their enemy to save her own people. She was thinking about the peace she had worked for so long was slowly disappearing in front of her. She will now have to face the revenge of the Sky People, but also, one day or another, the Mountain Men, who were still representing a threat to her people.  
Her people.  
That was the reason why she was in this position right now. Her people. She was the Commander. She had taken an oath to protect them. She had to do anything in her power to ensure their safety. It was her duty. She had made the right choice. 

\---

Indra, who was walking with the warriors, chose this moment to appear at her side. She must have sensed that something was off with her Commander. After a few minutes of silence, Indra finally spoke: “You took the right decision”. Lexa, with an unreadable face, turned slowly to her. She looked straight in the eyes of the warrior and said, “I know”.  
Then, she returned her gaze to the path in front of her and continued her walk, without a look back for the warrior. Indra knew best than to disturb her Commander. But she still knew that it would be a burden on her shoulders for the rest of her life. She had hoped that she could have appeased it by showing her that she did the right thing. 

\---

After Indra’s words, Lexa was convinced that it was the right thing to do; her best warrior said so. She knew it. But it didn’t make it any less hard. When Emerson had come up with this deal, she knew she couldn’t refuse. She knew that the best way to save all of her people was to accept the deal.  
But accepting it also meant to abandon the Sky People inside that Mountain to die, it meant to betray their deal, it meant to break the heart of the only person she had grown attach to. This part made it even more difficult for Lexa. She thought that Clarke would finally bring light back in her life; that she would be the person who will make her feel whole again.  
She once had told her that ‘love is weakness’. She didn’t believe that anymore. Clarke, in the brief time she had known her, had made her stronger. She could feel it inside her. Clarke made her believe that she could love again.  
And yet, she lost her.  
Clarke was now maybe with her people, back at her camp, mourning the one she lost; or maybe she was preparing the next attack against them, against her because of her betrayal. Or maybe she was now inside the Mountain, prisoners with the rest of her people; maybe she was dead by now, because she had taken a deal with the Mountain Men, leaving her with their cruelty. She didn’t know. And it was killing her slowly, not knowing what happen to the beautiful blonde who would now haunt her dreams.  
She knew that by making this decision with her head, she had not only broken the heart of the young girl but also her own, which was now bleeding inside her chest.  
Only she couldn’t show it.  
She was the Commander, Lexa kom Trikru. She had to be strong. This was a victory, her victory. She had brought back her people safely back home, without a confrontation, without a considerable loss of warriors.  
She was victorious, yes, but at what cost? 

\---

Soon, they reach Polis and her people started to go back to their family, blessing the fact that they were still alive. She received a lot of applauses and thanks; applauses and thanks that she took with a humble nod of her head.  
But she knew she had still one duty to fulfill before retiring to her privacy.  
She took a stand on a high mound and raised her hand, silencing the crowd.  
In Trigedasleng, she said:  
“People of Trikru, we come back from the fight with the Mountain victorious. Our people are back home safe and the Mountain is now weakened. But the fight is not over. The Mountain is still a threat and will be defeated in time. The Sky People are not our allies either. Every move they make in our territory is to be reported to me personally. We will not back down. We won the battle but not the war. But for now, rest and get your strength back. Our people is safe and peace will follow.”  
With that, applauses filled the area. Lexa slipped quietly away from the crowd.

\---

On her way to her room, she meets Titus, who looks at her with pride and honor. “You made the right choice, Heda. Your ancestors will be proud of you. We all are. Our people will be safe thanks to you and peace will reign”. With a gesture of her hand, she silenced him. She turned her gaze to meet his and calmly said: “I did what was best for our people”. Titus was about to say something else when she interrupted him again: “It doesn’t mean that it was the best choice”. With that, she left him and went to her room.  
There, she undressed and laid on her bed. She closed her eyes and brought her knees close to her chest. And finally, in the privacy of her bedroom, she let herself cry.  
She cried for Clarke, for the Sky people, for her heart that was breaking without a sound. She cried for the choices she had to make because of her status as Commander.  
She cried until she finally falls asleep, the image of Clarke standing alone in front of the Mountain door, a look of disgust and desperation written on her face as she announced her betrayal, branded in her mind.


End file.
